


If It Were Jean

by whatabodtit



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: I'm so sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 12:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3249857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatabodtit/pseuds/whatabodtit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“No, Jean’s not dead. He’s just fine and we’re going to the interior today. We trained so hard, we-we did so well. We’re going to go to the interior and we’ll be safe.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	If It Were Jean

**Author's Note:**

> This is really bad and really sad and like, I'm so sorry. Don't hate me please.

Marco pulled at the cloth covering his face, it was much too tight for comfort. The gloves were rubbery and made his hands sweat, he just wanted to get back to their bunk and curl up with Jean, regardless of what the other boys would say.

He neared a broken house with a body slumped against it. One look at that two-toned hair and he knew. Slumped against the house was Jean, half his face and torso missing, maneuvering gear gone, covered in blood and titan saliva and everything else that had climbed out of Marco’s worst nightmare. His stomach dropped and his throat started to burn.

“J-Jean?” his eyes stung with tears that he wouldn’t let fall yet.

“Is that his name?” a voice rang out behind him making him jump.

“Yeah…” he muttered in response, feeling the wetness on his cheeks as he fell to the ground, knees taking most of the impact. He thought he heard the woman say something else, but he didn’t care.

He was crying.

He was screaming.

He was cursing everyone and everything he could. He yelled at every God he could think of and finally he yelled at Jean.

He yelled at Jean for leaving him, for dying without him, for dying before him, for dying at all,  “WHAT HAPPENED? JEAN, YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED YOU’D MAKE IT TO THE INTERIOR WITH ME! You promised! You promised…” he’d been beating the ground so hard his fingers were bleeding. He felt someone grab him by the arms and pull him away. He thrashed around, hitting everything and everyone he could reach, he screamed for Jean, but Jean didn’t come.

* * *

He woke up slowly in a sterile smelling bed with white blankets. The infirmary. His throat hurt and his face felt like he’d been hit with a ton of bricks.

“Hey, you’re awake…” a soft voice sounded from next to him, “how’s it going?” Armin.

“I-I don’t. What happened?”

“Drink something.” Armin handed him a glass of water.

“What happened?” he asked again between sips.

“You were freaking out and had to be detained. They knocked you out and put you here.” He said it like it was just another Tuesday. Or maybe he was just too upset about whatever the hell’s going on with Eren to make a big deal of anything.

Marco sat up, his back against the wall, “is Jean okay?”

Armins eyes filled with tears, more at Marco than at Marco’s mention of Jean. “Don’t you remember?” Marco remembered. Marco didn’t care that Armin looked on the edge of tears. Not right now.

“He’s not… he’s not dead. He can’t be dead. He’s Jean! How could Jean die?”Armin covered his mouth to stifle a sob.

“No, Jean’s not dead. He’s just fine and we’re going to the interior today. We trained so hard, we-we did so well. We’re going to go to the interior and we’ll be safe.” Marco was crying now too. He and Armin sat, watching each other bawl through the other’s tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Marco got out through his sobs.

“What’re you apologizing for?” Armin wiped his eyes on his sleeves.

“I-I couldn’t save him…”

“That-it-it wasn’t your fault. Marco, none of us could save him.

“But I should have been able to!”

Armin jumped at the volume of his voice.

“I’m joining the survey corps.” Marco muttered.

“M-Marco?” Armin didn’t just look sad anymore, he looked shocked. And afraid. His still tear-filled eyes were blown wide.

“I’m going to join the survey corps.” Marco repeated, louder.

“But, Marco, you trained so hard…”

“Jean would do the same for me. I know he would.” Armin nodded at him, ignoring the tears streaming down his cheeks.

* * *

He was alone in the infirmary. They wouldn’t let him leave, but made Armin go. Marco told him it was fine, that he should be with Mikasa anyways, but now that he was alone, all he thought about was Jean.

 

He wanted nothing more than to curl into Jean’s side, have Jean pet his hair, but he wanted to be wherever Jean was. He wouldn’t wish Jean back here if the world depended on it.

* * *

“Don’t get mad when you hear this, but Jean, you’re not a strong person, so you can really understand how weak people feel…”

“...What the hell?”

“But you’re also good at recognising what’s going on at any given moment. You know exactly what needs to be done. I mean, most humans are weak, including me, but if I got an order from someone who saw things like I do, no matter how tough it was, I’d do my damndest to carry it out.” Marco looked at Jean out of the corner of his eye, “I love you.”

Jean flushed pink, “I-I love you too, Marco.”

* * *

Marco cried into his pillow. He just wanted Jean. He just wanted to hold Jean and run his fingers through the sandy hair at the top and kiss his cheeks and fall asleep snuggled together on his bed, too tired to care was Eren was saying. Everyone else would be background noise.

* * *

“Shut up, Jaeger!”

“No way! Marco? He could do so much better than a horse like you!” Jean threw a punch, narrowly missing Eren’s face.

“J-Jean! Calm down!” Marco was awkwardly trying to catch Jean’s attention while Armin held Eren’s arms to stop him from hitting Jean.

“Shut the hell up, Jaeger! I know for a fact you and Armin have been shacking up for a year at least!” Marco gasped and Armin turned a pretty shade of scarlet.

“So what, Kirschtein?! At least I’m getting some!”

“Who says I’m not?!”

Everyone was laughing except the four of them. Armin and Marco sported similar blushes. Eren and Jean just seethed at each other.

“You aren’t now.” Marco muttered, and Armin nodded in agreement.

* * *

He was such a dumbass, but Marco wouldn’t have him any other way. Marco sniffled and wiped his eyes, trying to will away any more thoughts of Jean. t wasn’t too much longer before a woman came in and told Marco that he was free to go.

* * *

The moment he walked in, Connie was in front of him.

“Marco! Are you okay? Armin said you were in the infirmary!””

“Connie, give him some space.” Reiner chided from his spot on the other side of the cards he was playing with Bertholdt.

The energy in the room was too tense, so Marco smiled, “I’m fine, guys, really.”

No one believed him, but the room felt a bit better anyways.

* * *

Two weeks later they had chosen their regiments. Marco had stood, saluting Erwin Smith, fear in his stomach and tears on his cheeks, because now that he was a soldier, he was sure Jean wasn’t there, Jean wouldn’t have let him do this. Jean would have made him stay safe. Now they were preparing for an expedition outside the walls. The first one since the new recruits came in.

Marco told himself he was ready.

* * *

“Marco, you need to eat something!” Armin pushed a plate of food in front of him

“I’m not hungry” he said, pushing the plate back.

“You need to eat. When’s the last time you ate something?”

Marco thought for a moment, “I ate bread on Tuesday.”

“It’s Thursday. Eat.”

“I’m really not hungry.”

“You’re going to pass out outside the walls!”

“I’ll be fine, Armin.” He flashed a smile for good measure.

“Fine.” Armin deflated in his chair.

* * *

This was great. This was the happiest he had been since Jean died. The wind ruffled his hair and the horse’s hooves made the ground vibrate beneath him, Armin and Reiner on either side of him. Then it happened. An abnormal, it looked female, blonde hair and, as Reiner put it, “a nice ass”.

Everything happened so quickly that Marco didn’t process it at all. The ground shook, then his horse was gone from under him, Armin rolled across the ground hitting his head pretty hard, Marco was in the air, maneuvering gear sticking onto anything it could, which happened to be the Titan.

He was flying. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Maybe he was falling. He didn’t care. He heard Armin call his name and Reiner grunt, then he felt a tug on his line and he was being thrown forwards. Then he was falling. And he suddenly cared. He cared a lot. He wanted it to happen. He wanted the Titan to throw him hard enough to break every single bone in his boy. And it did. He heard the wind whistling in his ears and he swore it was his mother singing. Now I’ll see him again. Jean’s name was the last thing he said as he connected with the ground.


End file.
